Fez
"If there's one thing guys like us know, it's how to have sex. Oh, I cannot live with this lie. Everyone, prepare to be shocked. I, Fez, am still a virgin." Fez (born August 4, 1960) is a fictional character from the television series That '70s Show, played by Wilmer Valderrama. Origins One of the shows running gags is that no one knows what country Fez is from. Fez is merely the phonetic version of the acronym FES: Foreign Exchange Student. His friends know his true name (the audience doesn't because when he says his name the high school bell is ringing), It is very long and he says the first five K's are silent. His friends say they're not going to remember it, as seen in a flashback episode so they decide to call him Fes(z) but Kelso suggested that they call him "Captain Poo-Face". What Valderrama was actually saying was the first names of the main actors who appear in the show. It was rumored that his mother and his true native homeland would be revealed in the series finale, but all were proved false. He once said he had Latin pride, which led Red to believe he was Latin. Fez retorted "No, only my pride is." He once said that he could speak Dutch in a job interview, and viewed this as "his strongest point". Also, Fez once claimed his country has never fought a war. In another episode, however, he alludes to the fact that his country "won the war" against Britain. This indicates that he is Indoneisan. In another episode he tells the gang that his ancestors were not Mayan. In one episode he says his birthday is August 4. Fez's Love for Jackie In the first half of the series, Fez longfully pined for Jackie Burkhart, worshipping her like a queen. Jackie either failed to realize his love for her or didn't act upon it because he was foreign, and therefore way below her standards. They did share a kiss in one episode when he mistakingly thought Jackie was opening up to him. They shared another kiss when pretending to be dating to help Jackie keep her job. Michael Kelso, Jackie's boyfriend, quickly socked him in the face. Jackie revealed to her friend Donna that she did enjoy his display of affection. Other times that Jackie has shown a small interest in Fez include the time when he wowed her with his dancing moves at a Disco and when he helped her win at a Roller Disco contest. Jackie got drunk to celebrate her win and hit on Fez. After battling with his light and dark side (shown as two shrunken Fezes on each of his shoulders dressed as Batman and The Riddler), he decided to be a gentleman and not take advantage of her. The two did go on a date when Jackie broke up with Kelso, but Fez was let down when he realised that Jackie had not yet gotten over Kelso. He was also disgusted that she was engorging herself with food. Later on during the events in Season 8 the episode before the finale the two finally confessed their feelings and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Other Loves Fez was romantically involved with Big Rhonda for awhile and almost lost his virginity to her. Another short relationship he had was with a girl from school named Caroline, whom Donna had set up with Fez. They shared a few love-filled months together until Fez realised that Caroline was obsessed with him and also mentally unstable. He broke up with her, lying that he and Donna were in love so as not to make Caroline think he ended the relationship because she was crazy. Eventually, Fez got a job at the DMV where he seduced his coworker Nina. The two had sex, finally ending Fez's agonizing life as a virgin. But, as Fez recounted, it was not a magical moment; there was no soft music "like in the movies so I had to hum" - Nina had asked Fez to stop humming but he started again without realizing it. There were then some sounds that "were certainly not applause". The night ended with him sneaking out of Nina's bathroom window pantsless. Nina did give Fez a second chance but it didn't work. Near the end of the fifth season, Fez was arrested for vandalism of the town's water tower and came close to being deported back to his native country. But at the last moment, Laurie Forman slept with Fez and subsequently married him so he could stay in America. Red suffered a heart attack upon learning this. Their marriage is clearly not one of love, as Laurie went on their honeymoon to Cancun with someone else. Miscellaneous Fez began the show as living with fundamentalist "Bible-thumping" host parents, who forbade "devil's music" like KISS. Hyde had Fez sneak rock albums into their house that were hidden in Pat Boone record jackets. Fez also has a great affection for candy and porno. His jokes are usually really bad, lame puns and he's the only one who laughs at them. When Fez looks around to see no one else amused, he's very offended. He has had maybe one joke that someone has laughed at. When Kelso got a "job" selling sperm to a clinic, Fez said "Oh, to be a working stiff." Causing Hyde to laugh. Unfortunately for him, he did not understand what he even said, which is indicated by his facial expression when Hyde laughs. Red is incapable of remembering Fez's nickname except when inebriated. He has called Fez all kinds of ethnic names, but he usually calls him just "That Foreign kid." Fez probably has a sister, as he stated when Kelso slept with Angie (hyde's half-sister), "This is why I keep my sister ten thousand miles away in a jungle." Fez had a short stint working at the FotoHut, then got a job at the DMV. On his resume, he said that his mother's maiden name was "Streisand, but she won't acknowledge me." In the seventh season, Fez's foster parents realized that he had graduated high school a year ago and kicked him out. Fez was forced to rent an apartment. He was rooming with Kelso, but Kelso soon left for Chicago to be closer to his daughter--he was out of the circle. And so Jackie moved in with Fez. They became very close, but things got really complicated when Jackie found herself falling for Fez. He had been chasing her for years, but she never wanted anything to do with him. Fez actually became something of a lothario in the final eighth season. In the eighth season on the last episode, Fez start's going out with Jackie and they have their first kiss on the water tower. It is heavily implied they slept together because they are seen going upstairs near the end of the finale. Quotes "Now good day!", gang member, "But Fez?", "I said good day!" "Whore!" "Who's been eating my candy?" "Son of a Bitch!" "An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch!?" "Candy and Porno" "Kiss my brown ass" "You lucky S.O.B...." (son of a bitch) "You bastard!" "You son of a bitch!" "Ohhhhh........" "I have needs!" "I'm going to DO IT!" "Mmmmm, liquid candy!" "Ayyyy" "Where is my toasts you idiots?" "You guys better be kidding or I'm going to be super pissed!" "Mmm Candy" "You undressed yourself, you son of a bitch" "There you are you two sons of two bitches" "There you are! Give me back my jelly beans you son of a BITCH!" " Eric you are such a chicken, woof! woof! woof!" Category:Characters